


i always thought i might be bad (now i'm sure that it's true)

by forgetmenots309



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: F/F, catra is a soft baby, or tagged anything on ao3, please forgib, this is the first time ive written she ra, we love and stan catra in this house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:48:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24448369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetmenots309/pseuds/forgetmenots309
Summary: catra has a much-needed talk about her guilt issues & perfuma is a babe
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 167





	i always thought i might be bad (now i'm sure that it's true)

**Author's Note:**

> henlo, friends of mara! ^^ so recently i binge-watched all 5 seasons of she-ra and lemme tell you, when i say i cried, i BAWLED so ofc the only natural reaction for me was to write a character study of catra who i love and adore-(a), and who i know would need SO much therapy (thanks, perfuma)

Catra spends three whole days agonizing about it before she finally musters up enough courage. 

Courage. Years spent in the Horde had made her believe that she had ample amounts of it. Now though? After the war? After everything?

Catra knows now that the very _last_ thing she is, is courageous. Courage is for people like Adora or Scorpia and Catra is nothing like them. Adora and Scorpia haven't hurt people like she has. No one has. And the thought of being alone in this festering guilt brings her to her knees.

Adora notices it since Adora notices everything about her but even when her girlfriend touches her gently and asks her to talk, Catra finds herself unable to speak. The guilt is all-consuming, growing like thick, wild vines between her ribcage. Until she can't speak to Adora. Until she can't even _look_ at her.

And that hurts Adora, Catra can tell. But it's not until Adora comes to her misty-eyed, begging for forgiveness that Catra realizes that she's doing it again. She's hurting people that she loves. The war might be over but Catra's scars run deep and there are still battles left to be fought. 

So she agonizes for three days and when she finally decides to talk to someone about it, her tongue turns to lead. Clutching her hands to her chest, Catra tries hard to keep her resolve. This is for Adora, for Scorpia, for Entrapta, for everyone that she's hurt. If she's to remain by their side, then she can't keep being a coward. 

"Um... Perfuma?" Catra wheezes, already biting back tears as she looks at the blonde princess who was busily tending to Bright Moon's gardens.

The girl looks up, eyes brightening when she sees Catra's small form standing a few feet away. "Oh, hi Catra!"

"H-hi."

Perfuma stops what she's doing, straightening up and raising an arm to wipe the sweat off of her forehead. There's a bit of dirt clinging to her right cheek but when she smiles, Catra can't be bothered to think about anything else but the way it makes her _feel_. Even though she doesn't know _much_ about the blonde, Catra knows _this_ to be true: If anyone could help her, it's Perfuma.

"Sorry, I didn't notice you there! I've been trying to tend to the daisies ever since..." Perfuma winces when she realizes who she's talking to, her voice fading out as her eyebrows come together.

Catra rubs her arm. Everyone has been walking on eggshells with her and Adora regarding Shadow Weaver and what happened at Mystacor. Truthfully, the painful memory leaves her wanting to hightail it out of Bright Moon as fast as she can, find some desolate spot in the Whispering Woods, and curl up alone until she becomes one with the vegetation. And if this had happened before she was abducted by Horde Prime, she honestly might have done just that. But the Catra that she is now - no. The Catra that she _wants_ to be now is different. The Catra that she decides that everyone deserves is different. So she digs her claws into her arm and finds some words for Perfuma. 

"Um, they're pretty," Catra manages to say, offering up a small smile to Perfuma who looks surprised as ever. Catra takes a few steps forward until she's close enough to the daisies to smell them. "Thank you, Perfuma."

"Of course!" the blonde answers, almost to quickly. Catra watches as Perfuma takes a quick second to collect herself, putting her palms together. "Of course."

"Can I... can I talk to you about something, Perfuma?"

Perfuma only nods, her expression softening as she leans in and takes Catra's hands in her own. Perfuma squeezes them, "Yes. You can." Usually, this type of thing would make Catra reel back, cause the hair on the back of her neck to raise up, but for some reason, this time it doesn't. Maybe it's because of her resolve. Maybe it's because she just doesn't want to hurt like this anymore.

Catra looks down at their joined hands and knows that the trembling is all on her. "I don't know where to start but... I think... I think I need help. I need someone to talk to and you um, I don't know if you remember, but before we left for Mystacor and all of that, you offered to have a therapy session with me and I was wondering if-"

Catra doesn't even realize that she's crying until Perfuma lets go of one of her hands to reach up and brush away the tears on Catra's cheeks. Catra looks at Perfuma with wide eyes. The tears hurt and it's hard to breathe and she doesn't know if this will even help her in the end but the way Perfuma returns her gaze, so devastatingly gentle, with eyes like those of a _mother's_ , tears Catra apart. She _needs_ to do this. She needs to at least try.

"Let's go somewhere quiet," Perfuma answers simply.

Catra only nods.

\-----

Perfuma's room at Bright Moon is quite similar to Adora's but instead of a waterfall, the forest princess unsurprisingly decides to decorate with plants and flowers. The smell is a little nauseating at first but after a few sneezes, Catra finds a comfortable tolerance sitting by the open window.

Perfuma takes a seat next to her after closing the door, having returned from raiding the kitchen for a few snacks. "I didn't know what you wanted so I just grabbed a bunch of everything. Oh and don't worry about anyone coming in to interrupt us. I told everyone that I was in dire need of solo meditation or I would unleash a plant golem on accident so I think they got the message."

At that, Catra has to smile. She's grateful for the blonde maintaining her privacy. "Thanks."

"Okay, so if I remember correctly, when I offered you this session, I said we could talk about your abandonment issues and negativity. Is that what you wanted to talk about today?" Perfuma starts, making Catra choke on the piece of fruit that she had just taken a bite out of.

Catra pounds on her chest a few times, teasing out the sweet canteloupe that had shot into the back of her throat. "Um... I don't... I don't know," she answers meekly. Catra places her hands on her knees, scrunching up her shoulders. Frankly, she doesn't even know where to start. There's always been so much _noise_ in her head that the thought of dissecting it, overcoming it, and maybe even being able live _without_ it scares her. Her feelings of guilt, her fear of abandonment, her trauma over being brainwashed by Horde Prime, her sadness and anger towards Shadow Weaver, her sadness and anger towards herself. All of these thoughts consolidate in her throat and again, she's left retreating. Like she did with Adora. "I-I think this was a bad idea!"

Catra jumps up from her seat, her vision already blurring with hot tears again. All her life, she's been taught to bury her feelings. Ignore them. They'd only cloud her judgement. They'd only posion her. Now, she's expected to talk them through? Give them names and let them leave her?

"Catra," Perfuma begins, her voice as gentle as the touch she lays on Catra's arm, "I won't make you talk if you don't want to. But I want you to know that I'm here if you need me."

_"Why?"_ Catra croaks, shame burning on her cheeks as she balls her hands into tight fists. Now, her entire body trembles, quivering under Perfuma's sweet eyes. 

  
  


"Because you're my _friend_ ," is the blonde's reply. "And I don't let my friends suffer alone."

Catra's chest tightens. "I... I'm _scared,_ " she says, and the words feel like the beginning of the end. "I'm so fucking scared, Perfuma."

"Of what?" 

"That I'm going to mess everything up. That I _have_ messed everything up," Catra wails, falling back in her seat as she pushes her face into her palms. "That one day you're all going to wake up and see me for the fraud that I really am and I'll be left alone again."

"You know we wouldn't do that," Perfuma says. "We wouldn't ever abandon you, least of all, Adora."  
  


 _Adora._ The name that usually brings Catra so much love and happiness and peace, now makes her taste blood. She's hurt many people in her life but of all of them, the one she's made suffer most was Adora. There was once a time when Catra lived to watch Adora's world _burn_. And now, she doesn't know how she can even _begin_ to reconcile the subsequent guilt whenever Adora looks at Catra like she paints color into the sky. Adora loves her. But Catra is undeserving of this love.

"I've hurt her," Catra says in a tiny voice that crackles with tides of a thundestorm. "I've hurt you. I've hurt Scorpia and-and Entrapta and Glimmer and... _everyone_. I'm guilty of it all, Perfuma. And I don't know how or _why_ any of you have allowed me to _stay_."

Stay.

_Adora stayed with me. And I don't know why. Adora kissed me. Adora loves me. And I don't know why._

Perfuma takes pause to process what Catra's said, shuffling words in her head. With each passing second, Catra grows more feeble, small, weak.

"Because you're _trying_."

Catra looks up and is met with eyes that she finds herself unable to turn from. Perfuma's gaze holds her breath hostage. And suddenly, the blonde's expression becomes impossibly _tender_. Like a healing bruise.

"Yes, you might've hurt a lot of people but you're _trying_ to become better and make up for those mistakes. None of us expect you to be perfect since none of us are either."

"But none of you have hurt people the way I did," Catra says miserably.

"You don't know that," Perfuma counters. "Between you and me, a lot of people here have done things that they're not proud of, especially during war. Everyone has wounds that they're trying to heal from and everyone has mistakes that they're atoning for."

"But what if what I do isn't _enough_. I stayed with the Horde. I sent Entrapta to Beast Island! I was a _horrible_ friend to Scorpia and I opened a portal and almost destroyed the world because I was mad at Adora. Because I was mad at everyone else for leaving me when _I_ was the one pushing them all away. I was-"

Perfuma stops her, grabbing her wrists and pulling Catra into a hug that knocks the air right from her lungs. Catra quivers and then collapses in her arms. "But you're _not_ that person anymore."

"How do you know that?" Catra sobs. _How do_ I _know that I'm not going to make all of the same wrong choices the next time something bad happens to me?_

"Because you saved Glimmer. Because you risked yourself to find out about Horde Prime's plans when he could've taken control of your mind again. Because you found a way to return our friends back to Etheria. Because you put your life on the line to help Adora use the failsafe. And because you're here now, talking to me about how all of this guilt over your past actions makes you feel weak."

"It does," Catra hisses, wetting Perfuma's shoulder with her tears. "I _am_ weak. I'm letting all of my feelings control me again and-"

"No," Perfuma interrupts her, pulling back to look Catra in the eyes. "No. Having feelings and letting yourself feel those feelings is not a sign of weakness. It's _strength_." Perfuma pauses. "Do you remember what I told you before, about keeping your heart open?"

Catra swallows thickly. "That it makes you vulnerable..."

Perfuma nods. "But that it _doesn't_ make you weak." The blonde squeezes Catra's small frame in her arms once more before letting her go, offering her a reassuring smile. "You're scared that having all of this guilt will make you turn back to old habits, make you run away from your problems again, right?"

Catra nods this time.

"That won't happen. You know why?"

"Why?"

"Because unlike all of those times before when you chose to hurt and continue hurting, now, you have _us_ by your side. Not just Adora. But all of us. You've got friends who trust you and who you trust, otherwise you wouldn't have laid your life on the line for us and we wouldn't have done so for you. This time, you're not alone. And you'll never be alone again but you have to continue to allow yourself to stay vulnerable like this. You have to keep your heart open, like this, like now, when you're coming to me for help. You could've very well run away-"

"I wanted to," Catra admits.

"But you _didn't_ ," Perfuma answers gently. "And you have to give yourself credit for that, for everything good that you've done so far."

"... how are you so forgiving?" Catra then asks quietly, her gaze now dropping back down onto her lap. She holds her hands together to keep them from shaking, her ears pulled down as she stares at them. "I'm not used to this."

"Because I believe that mistakes don't define who a person is. If they're trying to be better, then that's the _real_ weight of their heart," Perfuma says. Then she brings up her hand and in her palm sprouts a flower, a daisy that's golden yellow and reminds Catra of Adora's smile. "It takes a lot of strength to forgive yourself for past mistakes and to make up for those mistakes, but you're trying. And that's what matters to me, and everyone else here."

Catra takes the offered flower, her heart suddenly feeling lighter. It was scary and then, it wasn't. It was painful, and then, it was better. Catra looks up at Perfuma, watching her rise from her seat to feel the breeze that rushes in.

"Healing and growing aren't linear processes, Catra," Perfuma explains. "There will be days where you feel like you've done enough and then there will be days where you like you've taken ten steps back. But on those days, _especially_ on those days, you have us to guide you through those feelings. And you'll get through them. _We'll_ get through them, _together_."

Catra smiles gratefully. "Thank you, Perfuma."

"Of course," Perfuma answers. "Was there anything else?"

Catra shakes her head. "I... uh I think I'm all talked-out for today." She scratches the back of her neck. "To be honest, I'm surprised I even lasted this long without ripping something apart."

Perfuma only laughs, wispy and light. "Well, thank you for not wrecking anything in my room."

"I should go find Adora," Catra then says. "She'll probably want to know where I've been."

"I think she was going to practice archery with Bow. They're probably on the training grounds."

Catra nods. "Um, Pefuma?"

"Yes?" 

"... I'm really lucky to have you as a friend," Catra says with burning cheeks. "I hope the feeling is mutual."

At that, the blonde smiles. "You bet, wildcat."

Catra cries on her walk to the training grounds.


End file.
